Renditions
No. 43 (Spring 1995)
| Jesus, Confucius and John Lennon: Act I By Sha Yexin Translated by Alec Stockwell |
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| GALILEO: | (whispering) Signor Beethoven... (No response from Beethoven. Galileo raises his voice.) Signor Beethoven! (Still no response. He taps Beethoven on the shoulder. Shouts.) Beethoven!! |
| BEETHOVEN: | Ah! Galileo, what is it? |
| GALILEO: | Why hasn't God arrived yet? |
| BEETHOVEN: | What's that? You want me to place a bet? On what? |
| GALILEO: | No, I'm asking why hasn't God arrived yet? It is time for Morning Prayers. There's no sign of him. |
| BEETHOVEN: | Wine? What wine? |
| GALILEO: | Tickle your ass with a feather! |
| BEETHOVEN: | Eh? |
| GALILEO: | Typical nasty weather... (He gives up and turns to Sir Isaac Newton.) |
| GALILEO: | Signor Newton. |
| NEWTON: | Ah, Galileo, how may I be of service? |
| GALILEO: | I want to know the time. |
| NEWTON: | I wouldn't mind finding that out myself. |
| GALILEO: | Your meaning? |
| NEWTON: | Two hundred and fifty years ago, I mistook my timepiece for an egg. I boiled my timepiece instead. (Newton takes out his watch and shakes it.) Since then, I've been wondering what time it is. |
| GALILEO: | One deaf, the other senile. I'm gonna ask Signor Einstein. He's the wisest brain to come by this century. Signor Einstein! (Einstein stands with his back to Galileo. No response.) Signor Einstein! (Still no reply. Galileo taps Einstein on the shoulder. Einstein turns to show an expressionless face. A dull look in his eyes, his body rigid, his chin jutting forward, his mouth slightly agape.) Eh! Signor Einstein! Don't you recognize me? Eh? I'm Signor Galileo. (Einstein remains indifferent.) Signor Einstein! Whatsa matter? You ill? |
| NEWTON: | When Professor Einstein died, Thomas Harvey, the pathologist, extracted his brain. He dissected it in the interests of science. Relatively speaking, Professor Einstein is brainless. |
| GALILEO: | What? Tell God and get his brain back. |
| NEWTON: | I did tell him twenty years ago, but God hasn't given me an answer. |
| GALILEO: | Why? |
| NEWTON: | He said it was under review. |
| GALILEO: | God hasn't done a thing about my application for rehabilitation either. I handed it in five years ago. |
| NEWTON: | The Pope rehabilitated you in 1980, didn't he? All the members of the investigation committee acknowledged you were falsely accused by the Inquisition in 1616 and 1633. |
| GALILEO: | There's still a problem. Pope John Paul still thinks I'm guilty. I need God to look into my case thoroughly. It's time for Morning Prayers. Why isn't He here yet? |
| NEWTON: | Maybe He's playing tennis with Jesus. |
| GALILEO: | Playing tennis? |
| NEWTON: | He needs a break. These days He's always in a bad mood. |
| GALILEO: | In a bad mood? Why? |
| NEWTON: | Hard to say... . (Shouts of "Here's God!" in the distance. All rise. They wait. Sacred music. God enters with Jesus. He sports a halo and carries a tennis racket. An angel hands him a Coke. He opens it and gulps it down. Jesus takes God's tennis racket and hands it to an angel, along with his own. God and Jesus sit on their thrones.) |
| GOD: | (majestically and somewhat wrathfully) I am Alpha and Omega; the beginning and the end; that which is, which was, and which is to come; the Almighty. |
| CHORUS: | Lord God! We respect Thee, we fear Thee, and praise Thy name forever. Kyrie eleison. Bless us, let all know Thy mercy, let all nations know Thy kindness. We praise Thee, Creator, we praise Thy name, now and forever. Amen. |
| JESUS: | Children of God, Morning Prayers have ended. |
| GALILEO: | Wait Lord! God's had my application for complete rehabilitation for five years. I hope God will comment on it at His earliest convenience. |
| NEWTON: | My application on behalf of Mr Einstein to recover his brain was submitted twenty years ago. I respectfully await His decision. |
| JESUS: | It's Sunday. He needs a day off. |
| SOULS: | What? A day off? |
| JESUS: | The weather's hot and muggy. God's decided to spend a month at a resort. (Souls all murmur to each other.) |
| GOD: | Let's go, Jesus! |
| GALILEO: | God! There's a mountain of pending cases that await your holy judgement. In fact, there're a few recent disputes you should look into. Could be trouble if you don't. |
| GOD: | (sternly) That's why I want to take a holiday. |
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Research Centre for Translation, The Chinese University of Hong Kong.